January 13, 2009 - 2 miles + pilates

Let's start with last Sunday. Somehow, I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to weigh myself Sunday morning to see what kind of damage had been done from 2 months off plus overeating Thanksgiving through the New Year. Survey says.....up 8 pounds. Ugh. And I know that at least half of that was put on during my two week vacation around and after Christmas. The kicker is that I had gained weight while training for the marathon (how unfair is that???). And, please, I know the whole "muscle-weighs-more-than-fat" thing but I doubt the marathon weight gain was a muscle gain thing. It probably was more related to the dramatic increase in the amount of food I was consuming. And not necessarily healthy food either. Honestly, cookies will always taste better than carrots. ALWAYS. Anywho, so really I'm up 15-20 pounds from where I should be and 30-40 pounds from where I want to be. *sigh* Plus some of my pants are tighter now. double *sigh* So now begins the self-depreciating thoughts and comments. Ugh.
Monday I was down. At work, everything made me want to cry. And it helps that I work with stick thin women. I'd like to say that I don't buy into the magazines, the actresses, the comparing to other women...but I do. I want to be stick thin. Matt says he doesn't like stick thin but I don't believe it. Right now I'm struggling so much with my self image that I am (mostly) convinced that I would be happier as a skinny woman. But even as I type it there is the small voice that's telling me not to believe that. That self-worth isn't related to dress size. Being healthy is important, no doubt. Feelings of self-worth does not make overeating/eating unhealthy an okay activity just as much depriving oneself doesn't increase self-worth. So I'm stuck. I still desire to be "those women". I could list a million things I don't like about my body and about myself. What a way to start the new year, right?
Now it's Tuesday. Monday I was such a bum and struggling with parenting alone while Matt worked late. Getting back into the swing of school has been a battle with my daughter. I have no patience and am beyond frustrated. So I didn't run Monday, I fell asleep. But Tuesday, Matt wasn't working late (due to picking up my now-fixed Roxy from the mechanic...yay!). Homework is still an issue but since Matt's home we can divide and conquer with the kids. He took William and I sat with Isabelle while she did her 8 billion math problems that she didn't do at school. Frustrations were minimized and homework time was almost pleasant. I still hadn't run though. Finally, Matt came upstairs with William and Isabelle finished reading her book so downstairs I went to the treadmill while Matt put the kids to bed. I had intended to run one mile and do my 20 minutes of pilates. But the run was feeling good so I thought I'd go for 2 miles but finish at least 1.5 miles. In the first half mile I was thinking about Monday and all my feelings about myself and how to protect Isabelle from falling into the same trap. I thought about all the things about my body that I was unhappy about. Then I thought about how frustrated Matt gets when I say self-depreciating comments. So I stopped...not running...the negative thoughts. I decided that I needed to spend some time listing off the things I liked about myself. Initially, I couldn't come up with anything (yikes!), but I kept at it. And I gave thanks to God for those things that make me, me. Maybe it's goofy or a little thing, but I feel liked it helped. Do my pants fit better? No - not yet. Are there things I don't like about myself - sure. And there probably always will be. But I want to do better about not focusing on those things. I want to run because it makes my feel good, not because I "need" to be a size zero. I want to live a healthy life...without giving up cookies altogether...just cutting back. =) I will be monitoring my eating and my weight because I still do want to lose some weight. But I don't want my weight to define me.
So, bound and determined as well as positively motivated, I completed my two miles in 24 minutes. Then I let Mari Windsor kick my abs in the 20 minute pilates video. And I enjoyed it.
Here's to happy running, actively thinking positive thoughts, and embracing who God has made me to be!