Running is cheaper than therapy

Gratuitous chest selfie... 

Overall, running may be cheaper than therapy, but I need both. 

Like most people who are dealing with what I'm dealing with and decide to "go public" about it, I'm hesitant. It's a strange thought to give a glimpse of my heart in such a public forum when even those closest to me don't know. Yet there's a safety in it, too. Safety because I only have to "say" it once, but mainly safety because I don't have to say it to anyone's face. 

Are you ready? You, too, potential future employer. And, most importantly, am I ready? 

Here it goes. 

I'm a bully. And I've been a bully for as long as I can remember. But it's not what you think...

I thought everyone thinks poorly of themselves, puts themselves down in their head, hurts themselves, and curls up into a protective ball when overwhelmed. Apparently, however, that is not the case. I'm learning that now, but in my recent history I was getting worse. And it took getting worse to realize I needed to get better. So into therapy I went. Reluctantly. 

I'm with my second therapist by now and can honestly say I jive with her much better than I did with the first one. Not that there was anything wrong with the first one other than she tried too much to push her own agenda on me. But my new one, who came highly recommended to me, is so good. She's a self proclaimed "cockroach of a therapist" and that is exactly why she works for me. She challenges my inner voice. She rejects the lies I tell myself and she guides me in my discovery as to why I'm wired the way I am, why I think the way I do. And she gives me homework to relearn how I think about and value myself. It's hard work. I will share more of how running and changing my diet has had a big impact on my life in a later blog, but the combination of therapy, exercise, and diet has had an incredible effect. Today I even biked to therapy. She said she couldn't stand to look at me, with me choosing to not miss a chance to be nice to me like that. ;) The spark in her eye as she says it makes me laugh so much. So I told her about the above tank top I own. She feigned hurt until I told her my tag line: "Running is cheaper than therapy. But I need both."

And we laughed. 

That's enough vulnerability for one day. Likely, I'm not going to share more about my sessions or private details because you don't need to know that part of my story to see that I'm moving towards better. Maybe someday, or with someone who needs support and someone who can relate to what they're going through, but not now. Do know this, however, you are not alone in your struggles. You are not alone in your fear. You are not alone in your sadness. Take a chance and reach out. Take a chance on you. You are worth the work.