3rd Annual Grim Mile

Woohoo!

http://luthernorthcollegeprep.org/2015-grim-mile-results/

Dear Julia

Work has been stressful. So in an effort to cheer myself up, I bought myself flowers for my desk.

Orange! And in a beaker, of course! :)

I felt sheepish about buying flowers for myself. "Who does that?" I thought. "What will people think?" Turns out no one at work even asked. And I even carried the flowers along to a work room so I could have them by me. Three days later I already had to turn them upside down to dry. Soon I will have dried flowers that I bought for me.

I sent that picture to a friend and she asked, "Did you buy yourself a card, too?" I responded that I should have written:

"Dear Julia,

Be nice to yourself."

I was joking, but she said I should have written that card.

I was thinking about it the following day...if I were to be asked why I bought the flowers, was I trying to make anyone feel bad I could honestly answer that no, I wasn't. The flowers weren't a guilt trip or a pity party. They were just me being nice to me, something I need to do more of. In a week (or two or three) where I'm down on myself for not doing my job better, not being a better parent, not being a better housekeeper, not being a faster runner or a better boss, etc., etc., etc....I needed to stop. Take a minute. And do something for me. It's not about anyone else.

Running is that way for me, too. I registered for races and my first thought is "I hope this is okay." Why am I questioning. Sure there's schedules to be considerate of, but in the larger picture why wouldn't it be a good thing? I'm giving myself a goal, something to strive for that is about me. I find thousands of reasons to be mean to me, it's time to shift the frame and find at least a couple ways to be nice.

"Dear Julia,

Be nice to yourself."

I should still write that card.

Here I go again!

On a whim, I registered for a marathon...

Time to train! 

Can I count this as a two week ab workout?

I'm sitting in immediate care today because I've had a cough for nearly two weeks. My ribs ache. Can I count this as an ongoing ab workout? 

Running is cheaper than therapy

Gratuitous chest selfie... 

Overall, running may be cheaper than therapy, but I need both. 

Like most people who are dealing with what I'm dealing with and decide to "go public" about it, I'm hesitant. It's a strange thought to give a glimpse of my heart in such a public forum when even those closest to me don't know. Yet there's a safety in it, too. Safety because I only have to "say" it once, but mainly safety because I don't have to say it to anyone's face. 

Are you ready? You, too, potential future employer. And, most importantly, am I ready? 

Here it goes. 

I'm a bully. And I've been a bully for as long as I can remember. But it's not what you think...

I thought everyone thinks poorly of themselves, puts themselves down in their head, hurts themselves, and curls up into a protective ball when overwhelmed. Apparently, however, that is not the case. I'm learning that now, but in my recent history I was getting worse. And it took getting worse to realize I needed to get better. So into therapy I went. Reluctantly. 

I'm with my second therapist by now and can honestly say I jive with her much better than I did with the first one. Not that there was anything wrong with the first one other than she tried too much to push her own agenda on me. But my new one, who came highly recommended to me, is so good. She's a self proclaimed "cockroach of a therapist" and that is exactly why she works for me. She challenges my inner voice. She rejects the lies I tell myself and she guides me in my discovery as to why I'm wired the way I am, why I think the way I do. And she gives me homework to relearn how I think about and value myself. It's hard work. I will share more of how running and changing my diet has had a big impact on my life in a later blog, but the combination of therapy, exercise, and diet has had an incredible effect. Today I even biked to therapy. She said she couldn't stand to look at me, with me choosing to not miss a chance to be nice to me like that. ;) The spark in her eye as she says it makes me laugh so much. So I told her about the above tank top I own. She feigned hurt until I told her my tag line: "Running is cheaper than therapy. But I need both."

And we laughed. 

That's enough vulnerability for one day. Likely, I'm not going to share more about my sessions or private details because you don't need to know that part of my story to see that I'm moving towards better. Maybe someday, or with someone who needs support and someone who can relate to what they're going through, but not now. Do know this, however, you are not alone in your struggles. You are not alone in your fear. You are not alone in your sadness. Take a chance and reach out. Take a chance on you. You are worth the work. 

The Guilt Trip

The problem with telling the kids in the morning that I'm going to go for a run today is that they call me out about it in the afternoon when I'm laying down on the couch. 

2 miles in cold and drizzle for this couch potato. 

Have cheering section; will run

A snowstorm is coming! A snowstorm is coming! Perfect motivation for going outside for a run. That, and bringing my own cheering section. Mr. Man was quite excited to join me on my run today and it was nice to have his company. We ran to a local park so he could play while I ran the perimeter of the park (always looking left to make sure he was okay). Instead of playing, he opted to construct a finish line out of the remaining current batch of snow and dole out high fives as I ran laps. Okay, okay, the high fives were my idea... But the finish line was his! My run was slow and creaky for my joints but it's hard not to feel excited to cross a finish line made just for me. Thanks, Mr. Man, for being my running buddy and cheering section! :) 

After crossing the finish line:

Selfies with the finish line!:

Me with my cheering section: