Running my fingers tonight...

Tonight's therapy will be running my fingers instead of my legs...(warning: paragraphs of stream-of-consciousness ahead)

I'm in a funk. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I'm overtired. No, probably because I'm overtired. It started on Friday. An experiment that didn't go smoothly and one of my coworkers was teasing me a lot. "Oh, not used to seeing you working. Here, let me take a picture to capture this rare moment." Normally, I banter with this coworker, but that particular line of bantering irks me for, hopefully, obvious reasons. I'm not the hardest working gal on the planet, but I get my work done. Plus, I get irritable when experiments don't go well. The situation really just put me in a lousy mood. And I had been in such a good mood the whole week...up until Friday. Ah, the emotional roller-coaster that comes with being me. I try to remind myself that it's not just me that stumbles and has flub-ups. This very same coworker printed a picture from Facebook on work's printer 531 times. 531! How does one make that mistake? And then the stack of papers was left by the printer. I laughed so hard my sides hurt and my eyes teared up. 531 Good stuff. So, since this person had left for the day, I did the mature (*cough, cough*) thing and wrote "I know what you did!" on the 531st page and taped it in the perpetrator's cube. Then I hid the remainder of the pages in a cabinet. I felt a little vindicated about earlier in the day until the teasing about the failed experiment continued on Facebook. And that brings me to this moment in time, when insecurity rears it's ugly head and my hypersensitive self takes over.

Saturday morning, I woke with a revelation. I cannot stand to fail. I don't like to struggle even a little bit. When faced with something difficult, I want to just stop, not even bothering to try. If I think I should be able to do it well, then can't...watch out, because cranky, crazy Juls comes out. My daughter is the same way and that was my revelation. She gets it from me! I shared this revelation with Matt and was met with complete and utter un-surprise. Apparently this novel idea was only novel to me. I guess that explains why that characteristic in my daughter annoys me so much.

Now that I've had this awakening, what's next? Still tonight I am dealing with the insecurities that rise up when something doesn't go well. How do I just "not let it bother me", like Matt suggests? How do I act like a normal person when this ugly part of my personality takes over?

Hmm...